You want it
You need it
And I’ma give to you one time
No it’s not my sensual caress – it’s a my bi-annual Christmas gifts guide! If the comments on this blog have indicated anything it’s a) I get a lot of spam b) not very many people actually read my posts c) y’all need guiding with your Chrimbo gift purchases. Fortunately for you, much like Santa, God’s only child, I am an extremely munificent and giving human being. Definitely not a spambot. No sir!
1. Article the first
Consistency is key! If you buy one person an amazing gift, such as these Christmas jumpers here, EVERYONE will be expecting a jumper with reindeer humping on it. My advice is to aim extremely low, or just don’t have many loved-ones or friends to exchange gifts with. Alternatively, many charities send round free packs of postcards at this time of year; feel free to redistribute them as gifts.
2. Article the second
Set ground rules! I often begin my pre-Christmas negotiations as early as September. The most basic of these is the “Gentlemen’s back-stab” – whereupon you agree with someone you’d perhaps expect to normally exchange gifts with, that you will, in fact, exchange nothing. This both frees up some of your budget for other people not willing to enter into said agreement, and said funds can also be put towards just buying yourself something you really want.
3. Article the third
Avoid unnecessarily raising expectations! This ties in with my first point; make sure you don’t “hype yo’self” up before the big day – your gifts are going to be awful (if you follow the rest of my advice) so you need to ensure that everyone is fully acclimatised to this state of affairs. Perhaps buy someone some socks several weeks before Christmas, and then when they react in a confused manner, pretend that you “forgot” when December 25th is and that “they should probably just keep the socks ’cause you’re not getting anything else”.
4. Article the fourth
Dress down! Once again, I want to emphasise how important pre-Christmas planning is – once it comes to the big day and you’re surrounded by a ring of disgruntled yet passive faces and wallet full of fat cash, you’ll be thanking me for prepping you.
Around August or so, I start downgrading my wardrobe – fingerless gloves, used underwear, that sort of thing. The key is subtlety here; you want to look like a hipster for most of September-October, but start to give off a real “homeless” vibe around mid November. Why go through all this hassle? Because homeless people receive a much higher ratio of gifts to those given. IT’S SCIENCE DUMMY. By channelling your inner homeless person, you can increase you gift threshold by up to 300%*. Aim to look entirely destitute by the time snow starts falling.
5. Article the fifth
Rule out uncertainty! Hopefully by this point in your life you’ll have whittled down your close-friends to an entirely adequate one or two people you speak to on a semi-regular basis. If you’ve already done this, skip to step 6. For those of you who insist on socialising, you’re going to want to implement what I call the “seasonal friend system”.
Much like the feudal system, where plebeians where forced to rotate their crop cycles by their overbearing and entirely merciless lord, you need to rotate the crops of your friendship. You’ll want to segment your remaining associates into three separate sectors – make sure these sectors do not overlap – cross contamination of crops, sorry, friends can lead to unforeseen consequences.
Basically, you’ll want it so that one third of your friends is left “fallow” at any one time of the year. NO contact. NO contamination. For 4-months of the year you are DEAD to these friends. Not only does this benefit you over Christmas (fewer gifts to buy) you’ll also miss out on a lot of birthdays – cha-ching!
6 – 10. Articles the sixth through tenth
Memorise these magical phrases!
“The insurance money never came through”
“I invested heavily in Facebook”
“My bank got robbed”
“Christmas comes every year nowadays?”
“Sorry, I don’t speak English”
Recite liberally from December onwards and you’ll never be expected to buy another gift again. You’re welcome!
*most gifts will be in the form of loose change