Zombie Awareness Month

May 16, 2012 //
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I know we usually have a bit of a laugh on this blog, jovially tackling low-brow topics like war, religion and the abstract concept of a matriarchal-monarchical-democratic nation-state, but today it’s time to take stock, reflect on past mistakes, and discuss something with a bit more gravitas.

Not many people know that May is, in fact, Zombie Awareness Month – a month-long vigil against the dark forces of the undead and/or living dead. Although I’ve previously alluded to the fact zombies exist, this particular post seeks to engage with the shambling, unholy menace with a unique academic fervour usually reserved for UFO sightings and unseen episodes of the X-Files.

In his surprisingly well-researched article “Why and How We are Not Zombies“, Professor/Fortean Times fanatic S. Harnad posits that, unlike so much in life, a zombie invasion is an absolute certainty1. As such, to quote the Bard, tis not it better to have a strategically placed bear trap by the backdoor than to have a corpse drag itself through yon cat-flap and chew on your shin?2

So, here is my list of absolute essentials for surviving a zombie apocalypse - be warned! This is a very expensive list of stuff and I cannot be held responsible if you buy all of it and then you don’t get attacked by a disgusting, reanimated dead body and you’re like “now I can’t pay my rent”. Get a mortage bro. 

I'm certainly not

Dog treadmill – man’s best friend can get a little chubby, and you’re going to need that pooch in top form when you’re wandering through abandoned, infested, downtown Philadelphia (I believe the UK’s equivalent is Scunthorpe. Just regular Scunthorpe, doesn’t even need to be abandoned or filled with zombies). That’s why I’m recommending this doggy treadmill to keep your K9 in a size-9. Holla ladeez.

Brownie maker – don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but I reckon your granny’s probably snuffed it. If she hasn’t come shambling round your house for a cup of tea and some rich-tea brains, chances are she’s not going to be in any mood to whip you up some shortbread anyway. Hence, this incredibly versatile brownie making machine, for all your baked good related needs. You want brownies? No problem! What about brownies with nuts in? This bad-boy has it covered! Slightly larger brownies? Unfortunately these brownies only come in one regulation size. Anything else and you’re out of luck, but, boy, if you like brownies, y’know?

Hand sanitizer  - chances are you’ve got stuck with a bunch of gross, sickly people who weren’t brave enough to make a run for it when they had the chance. When you’re trying to escape from hordes of the undead, you don’t want the sniffles slowing you down, no-siree. So, get sanitizing with this handy-dandy maybe-you-touched-your-genitals hand gel! It’ll wipe out 99.99% of all bacteria known to man, much like the zombie plague wiped out 99.99% of your loved ones and left you with that weird, skinny ginger kid who spent too much time in his room.

Unicorn mask – zombies love brains, but they’re not stupid. They know santa isn’t real (spoilers!) and neither are unicorns. OR are they?! Plunge your corpselike enemies into a state of existential angst with this outstanding unicorn replica mask, which will not only scare the bejesus out of them while you flee, it is also extremely majestic3.

1: he didn’t, I made that up
2: once again, this is entirely false
3: so majestic

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Categories Gifts

Victory (Against the Forces of People Who are Bad at Buying Gifts) Day!

May 8, 2012 //
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Open up a box of your finest cubans, slap a dicky bow on and get ready to flip everyone the V - but not the bird – because it’s VE Day! Or was! Yesterday! Good old Winston may have been a massive anti-semite who hit his wife (or maybe he wasn’t?), but he knew how to finish a bloody war properly. If you’re American, you might be scratching your head right now and a proto-exegesis of what I’ve just said may be surfacing at the back of your mind, something about General Patton and A-bombs, and I’ma let you finish, but over here in England, Winston Churchill was the BEST at ending global conflicts, of all time.

Similarly, if you are American and you find yourself on or in England in 2013 around the 7th May, you might want to take a few precautions. There are strict observances to be contemplated, and potentially incredibly embarrassing things you will need to do in order not to appear out-of-place amongst the swelling mass of patriots filling the streets in celebration on this most momentous of days.

Look at all the people! I'm so proud of where I live

Attire - you better believe that tweed is back. Although provisionally reserved for polo players and people who live in Shoreditch with ironic mustaches and single-speed bikes, you’d be an absolute fool not to be clad entirely in criss-crossing dull, muddy colours on May 7th 2013. Set your outfit off with a flatcap at a jaunty angle, and remember: pull those socks right up until it looks like your shins are being eaten by beige snakes. N.B: beige socks only.

Dude on the left is all "bro, wearing box frames is hella totes 2010, yo"

Topics of conversation - do not talk about the war in anything other than a post-ironic, quasi-modern, existentialist, John Paul Satre kind of way. Everyone is super-bored of it, and nowadays VE Day is actually a celebration of the birth of Bill Kreutzmann, the bong-smashin’, snare-slappin’, jam-groovin’ drummer of the Grateful Dead. The capital actually plays host to the largest Dead Head gathering in the northern hemisphere, or would if anyone bothered to show up on time or actually knew what was going on.

Keep on rockin' in the free world, Billy

Gifts - whoa, where do you think you’re going? I hope you weren’t about to walk out of that door without a present for your English friends on VE Day? VE Day is second only to Love Day as the #1 occasion for British people to exchange gifts. The Grateful Dead (and, by proxy, the small Mexican village where they base their merch factory) makes nearly 95% of their annual profits between May 1st and May 10th, including the post-VE Day sale period. If you’re not into the ‘Dead, VE Day gifts usually include the the letters V and E in their titles; much of the UK’s economy is based on personalised Venn diagram posters and the venison industry.

The Platypus: the keytar of the animal world

So, Clarissa explains it all to y’all – now you know what VE Day is all about. Now I’m off to extensively edit its Wikipedia page – salut!

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Categories Gifts, Holidays

May Day, May Day, Gotta Get Down on May Day

May 1, 2012 //
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Salutations! We made it guys; another state endorsed bank holiday draws near (unless you’re one of those continental types, in which case I hope you enjoy your stinkin’ day off you lousy rotten bums). As most crazy old people know, May Day was first conceived of and celebrated as a pagan fertility fest’, and in certain rural parts of Britain they just can’t let go of this sort of wanton proto-Christian behaviour.

Pagan Music Festival "Druid Fest"

"Druid Fest 2012" revelers take part in the "emptying of the cup", a sacred druidic rite, in which someone spills beer in your hair to symbolise, like, life and that

So, if you’re like me, you’ll have very little planned for your May Bank Holiday – maybe a bit of light Morris Dancing, some ‘Obby ‘Ossing, carousing of some kind, but largely a free schedule. Lucky for you, I’ve got a few gift ideas and events up my sleeve for your May Day celebrations:

  • Grass growing - ridiculously popular around this time in fields and areas where people traditionally garden
  • Obby Oss 2012 – the definitive poorly spelled horse-related festival of the year, Padstow gets a makeover from provincial Cornwall town to slightly more colourful provincial Cornwall town
  • Dreadlock cultivating – although originally a physical manifestation of one’s commitment to the ideals embodied by Haile Selassie I, dreadlocks are now mostly worn by upper-middle class white university students who are trying to “stick it to the man” or, more often than not, “stick it to mum and dad”; show your disdain for mainline quasi-Christian cultural norms by not washing your hair for 6 months
  • Morris Dancing – grow a beard, get your bells out and shake. that. THANG.
  • Sit down all day – “but I sit down all day at work anyway!”, most people excluding lumberjacks and professional dog walkers will say. Ah, but on your day off you can spend all day thinking about the other stuff you could be doing instead of sitting down, as opposed to thinking about working instead of Googling your own name, which is what you usually do in the office.

Ain’t no party like a May Day party y’all!

 

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Categories Gifts, Holidays

Happy World Intellectual Property Day!

April 26, 2012 //
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Just when I thought I’d forgotten about the importance of patents, copyrights and trademarks, April 26th comes steam-rollin’ round the corner to remind me that stealing other people’s ideas is bad. Raising awareness of the fact that intellectual property theft is only one step away from breaking into the offices of a charitable organisation or burning down an orphanage, World Intellectual Property Day is there to put us would-be creative types in our place.

But just in case you weren’t aware that the wholesale re-appropriation of the abstract concept of thought is generally frowned upon, read the news, stupid! Admittedly, this sort of thing is more about sweaty teenagers stealing Ke$ha albums, but if the blonde songsmith’s seminal chart-smash “We R Who We R” isn’t the apex of the mysteries of the human mind at work, I don’t know what is. Fortunately, you can’t put a trademark on good ideas – and in honour of World Intellectual Property Day, I’ve gone in search of some of the most inspired gifts I can find, by using a random word generator and combining the first two things to come out of it at a time.

Let’s kick things off with a crystal dinosaur. It’s snazzy. It’s jazzy. It says everything anyone would ever want to know about you in one eye-melting fusion of overpriced pebbles and poor taste. I honestly thought when I typed “crystal dinosaur” into Google I’d get some sort of…well I don’t know what I thought I’d get. But it wasn’t whatever this is.

“Infinity qualifier” didn’t turn up any gift results, unfortunately, but did produce some rather impressive pictures:

Damn

Thanks random word generator! I've finally got an album cover for my band's newest release "Infinity Qualifier" (tm) (r) 2012 don'tstealmyidea

Next up is “fur ringing”, which, I’ll admit, I thought would turn up some pretty unsavoury results. Fortunately I was wrong, and instead happened upon some delightful rabbit fur hair bangles! Why keep your messy, disheveled hair organised with anything else? As everyone knows, early European traders would often tie-back their hair and beards with rabbit fur; unfortunately this charming practice seems to have died out for about 700 years. Thank the lord for eBay then, bringing Viking fashion back into vogue one step at a time.

Okay, one last stab; what have you got for me internet?

Backlog forecasting? Okay…ah, an article on…backlog forecasting. What an anticlimax.

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Categories Gifts

What Do You Give the Man Who Has Everything?

April 17, 2012 //
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Let me mullet over

Me, circa 1994

In case you were wondering, I am the man who has everything. Skateboards? I got ‘em. A sweet ice cream maker with two different speeds, “paste” and “froyo”? Check that bro. Tasteful velvet drapes? I am all about that. To top it all off, I’ve got a totally supreme haircut going on at the moment as well; I’m nailing it. What’s it? Life.

The only criticism I’ve ever received is that I’m extremely difficult to buy gifts for (see above). To those who’ve leveled this accusation at me, I say: not my problem bro. I am getting sick of the constant whinging though, so I’m going to help you out one time. Here is my guide to buying gifts for “the man who has everything” i.e. me.

1. A DeLorean

I know what you’re thinking – “what would you need with a time machine? You never make mistakes ’cause you’re perfect and you’ve got a totally banging collection of sweaters”. Hey, I know that, but more importantly, people in the past don’t know that. Don’t get it twisted my erstwhile e-friends; life is a marketing campaign, and I fully intend to get in as many people as possibles’ faces, starting with Ancient Greece. Why Ancient Greece you ask? Three words: slamming toga party.

2. Nude Horse Riding

As anyone who has ever spent anytime with me knows, horses are my jam yo, and I’m also an extensive animal rights campaigner when ladies are asking. This sort of gift really speaks volumes about me, because it shows I am amazing on horseback (totes can fire a bow/gun whilst riding) and that also I’m comfortable around wild animals’ nether regions. Wait, that came out wrong.

3. The world’s worst, most expensive CD

Wow, this is just…this is awful. Greenpeace? More like…weinerpeace, am I right? This gift is so awful, it goes all the way round to being amazing again. This is the world’s best-worst gift. Ergh, U2 are awful.

4. Bacon aftershave

Bacon is getting a lot of good press recently, and rightly so: it’s good and it’s good for you. What other foodstuff provides 100% of your recommended daily allowance of baconites and bacon-stabilisers? If it ain’t bacon, don’t fix it. This jaunty, vivacious scent is an ideal gift for someone like me, who showers infrequently and is a massive fan of Lynx Africa; it combines a clean, bacon-grease covered laundry odour with hints of maple and oranges. NB: it tastes awful.

5. Dr Dre postcards

Y’all know me, still the same O-G, but I been low-key – or should that be, low postage cost? There’s very few areas where the humble postcard doesn’t trump the letter as a form of written communication. More pictures! Brevity! Less room for mistakes! These postcards combine the gift of communication with the gift of an almost life-size, 2D facsimile of Dr Dre’s head. And what a head it is.

That should tide you over for a bit.

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Happy Birthday Your Majesty!

April 10, 2012 //
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Damn. 86. Eighty-six years old on the 21st April. Queen Elizabeth II, I want to take you out to dinner, buy you your favourite meal, make tasteful conversation about polo, the arts, that sort of thing, take you for a long walk along the South Bank and then hope you give me a call sometime. You are one classy lady.

And it’s your birthday – for some insane reason it’s not a bank holiday (bloody government), but we’re going to celebrate like it’s 1999….again, anyway. What sort of thing can you get for the Queen? I’ve got a tasteful selection of things you may browse if you promise not to touch them:

Now that is some high-roller style stuff right there. You can’t afford them. Your friends can’t afford them. I’ll be able to afford them as soon as my amazing band gets a kick-ass record contract, but until then I can’t afford them. This is the sort of thing you get for a Queen – something you can’t afford. That is classy. That is like a poodle wearing a top-hat and a monocle.

3 monocles? how is that even possible

the numbers speak for themselves

 

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Categories Birthdays

Gifts for the Pagan Chocolate Worshipper in Your Life this Easter

April 6, 2012 //
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YES! CHOCOLATE! And also the munificent rebirth of our Lord and saviour, Jesus Christ. I guess. If you’re into that sort of thing.

If there’s one thing that knows no cultural, religious, racial or zoological bounds, however, it’s getting a day off work – a sweet, sweet day off. I will happily join any religion that can successfully combine an unfettered diet, absolutely no moral code and an abundance of religious observances…which basically leaves none of them. And that is a shame, because I amazing at guitar, so if you had, like, a jamming session at church or in the synagogue or mosque or whatever, I would, like, totally bring a whole new vibe to, you know, whatever the music that was being played was. No seriously, my friend, Tim, he saw me play once and he was like “dude, you are amazing at playing the intro to Enter Sandman by Metallica“. Like, actually.

EXIT LIIIIGHT, ENTER NIIIIIGHT, TAAAAAKE MA HAAAAAND

just a sweet pic of me shredding the heck out of my bodacious new guitar

Anyway, if you’re not as shred-tacular as I am (and you’re not), here’s a little advice: don’t practice. Little bit of a curve ball there. Just get into a studio and play your heart out – if thousands upon thousands of greasy, sweaty teenagers wearing oversized black t-shirts have taught us anything, it’s that rock ‘n’ roll is a state of mind, man. And guess what? Last time I checked, I didn’t need practice using my brain, right? Am I right or am I wrong?

Regardless, getting back on topic for just one second, Easter is mostly about eating for those of us who aren’t religious. Second only to Christmas as a “this is the perfect excuse to eat” period, Easter really delivers, far more than lesser holidays like International Talk Like a Pirate Day, on chocolate. For the true chocolate-connoisseur, and savvy, forward-thinking people who like to save money in the long run, you can always learn how to make your own chocolate.

“You’re crazy!” you shout. Am I? Yes, a little, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m talking about. Why bend to the consumerist machinations of those corporate greedmongers, with their cleverly named and immaculately packaged chocolates, when you can just whip up a fresh batch of melted brown mess in your own kitchen? You don’t even have to put on any shoes, because you’re not going outside - living the dream.

Anywho, here’s hoping you have a wonderful Easter, because I will, slowly working my way through a tub of assorted biscuits and learning how to play some sweet jazz licks.

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Categories Gifts, Holidays

Fantastic Father’s Day Gift Ideas

April 3, 2012 //
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Huzzah! Our first guest post: I knew we’d make it some day. And from none other than your friend and mine, James Congdon – the man, the myth, the legend behind some of the smoothest blog posts out on the interwebs this side of Andrex’s toilet paper. Take it away big-J:

The 17th June will mark Father’s Day 2012. But what do you get for the man that has just about everything? You needn’t fret, because while Dads are notoriously difficult to buy for, we’ve come up with a great selection of Father’s day gifts to suit every taste and budget.

Perhaps he’s a bit of a culture vulture? Or just in need some R&R? Is he a bit of a petrol head? We’ve just about everything you need to surprise him this year.

For a cultured Dad

If you think he’ll feel more at home in historic surroundings, why not send him on a peaceful tour of Brighton’s Royal Pavilion and its grounds? Or imagine his face as he sets off on his very own tour of Kensington Palace, or when he opens his personalised membership for British Heritage.  This will entitle him and his whole family to explore historic delights all over the UK.

Father’s Day presents on a budget

A smaller budget needn’t mean that you can’t make his Father’s Day! You can choose from a huge selection of cheaper Father’s Day presents, from personalised football mugs to personalised wines  priced under £15. Oh, and if Dad is a keen writer, he’ll love you for getting him a specially engraved, silver plated pen and box.

For the sporty Dad

If he’s into his sport, he’ll relish he chance to explore a football stadium of his choice, or to stay fabulously on par with a PGA professional golf experience. And if he’s a cricket fan, then what better way to show him you care, than with a unique tour of Lords cricket ground?

Does he have a real need for speed?

You’ve driven him up the wall for long enough – so now it’s his turn – gift him with the once-in-a-lifetime chance to chuck a top of the range supercar around a top UK track. Is he, by any chance, a James Bond fan? Then make him feel like Sean Connery on his very own Aston Martin driving experience. He’ll enjoy every minute behind the wheel of one of these beautiful speed machines and besides, it beats driving you about everywhere!

Maybe treat him to some pampering?

OK, not your typical choice for a Father’s Day gift. But if he is somebody who works hard all year, then he’ll truly appreciate a day in the spa.

Whatever you decide on, make sure he has the best Father’s Day 2012!

James Congdon ladies and gentlemen – so fresh, so clean

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Categories Gifts

Vendredi Saint!

March 30, 2012 //
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For the special French people in your life, check. this. OUT:

Is it really that time of the year already? It seems like only 12 months ago I was stocking up on a clinically unhealthy number of Easter eggs in preparation for that most venerated and special of days: a Friday bank holiday. Yes, there’s nothing quite like sitting in your undies, watching an inappropriately scheduled re-run of A Muppet Christmas Carol and smothering melted chocolate all over your face.

daaaamn that's a big egg

Damn that's a big egg

If, unlike me, however, you’re the type of person who routinely exercises, or even just stands up more than twice in any 24-hour period, you may want to forego putting on a stone in chocolate weight, and opt for something a bit more active as a gift to oneself, at this magical time of the year.

Let’s kick things off with something easy on the thighs – Golfing. Once exclusively the preserve of wealthy people with cleats and funny hats, golf is now a bit like croquet’s younger cooler brother; he owns a BMX and he’s in a band, or maybe he smokes behind the bike sheds. Either way, there’s nothing quite like hitting the green in a pair of freshly pleated chinos with a big length of metal in your hand. And with the weather being the way it is at the moment, there’s never been a better time to buy a sweater vest and lock down your golfing lingo.

Ramping it up slightly, we’ve got horse riding. This may chafe a bit, but it certainly can’t be considered exercise. The gift of horse riding is one that keeps giving, simply because when you’re at parties you can be all “hey! I’ve ridden a horse! On a beach!”. I’ve dropped the very same line many a time in mixed company, and it goes down a treat let me tell you. It seems riding a horse just makes you a better person, and believe me, I’ve got the saddle sores to prove it.

Getting serious now, how about a spot of paintball? Giving this as a present to someone is bound to send mixed messages: “I like you, but I want to shoot you in the face with paint”, isn’t exactly a charm offensive. However, paintballing, as well as being gratuitously violent, teaches us about life: it’s unfair, a lot of it is spent outdoors, you can’t trust anyone, and wearing protective clothing at all times is advised.

And for the grand finale, let’s go diving. Seems like a bit of a curve ball, sure, but that’s only because you clearly have never been diving before. Just lifting the equipment on it’s own is enough to give lesser fitness buffs a hernia. Best only give this as a gift to your more sporting friends. It also helps if they can swim, although, you know, I’m no doctor, so I’m not sure if it’s 100% necessary.

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Categories Gifts, Holidays

April Fools!

March 29, 2012 //
1

As we all know, April Fools’ Day is an international day of trying to make everyone else look stupider than you, whilst also trying not to be made to look stupid. It’s a sophisticated balancing act, one that requires skill, patience, and an almost inhuman level of control over your own facial expressions.

Soapy lions

A classic example of one of Queen Victoria's "hilarious" pranks - little did people know that the lions were actually let loose around the Tower; what larks! Many lost limbs, but all left with a smile. If they still had a face.

April Fools’ Day originated in 1508 when the French poet Eloy d’Amerval referred to, and I am not making this up, poisson d’arvil, literally meaning “April Fish“. Then, in 1539, Flemish poet Eduard de Dene wrote of a nobleman who sent “his” servant on a foolish errand on the 1st April. Right, a nobleman – “yeah my…friend, sent his servant to the butcher to buy unicorn steak“. Sure. If you take anything from any of this historical exposition, it’s that poets are just horrible people.

Regardless, the best thing about April Fools’ Day is that it’s usually pretty close to a day off. What’s that? You don’t believe me? You think this is some kind of incredibly elaborate prank that I’ve been queuing-up for the past hundred years, prefacing and, in fact, resulting in the creation of the concept of the bank holiday? Well you’re wrong. But thanks, that makes me feel smart.

But, the question remains, what to do with your day off? What I’d recommend, and let’s be honest, this isn’t going to come as a surprise, is to get your hands on some sort of unique gift. Stay with me, stay with me – I only say this because I’m looking out for you: all the people that supply the gifts I link to have signed a contract, an iron-clad contract, that prohibits any of them from acting “untoward” on the 1st April.

I know what you’re thinking: why in the name of Alan Sugar would anyone go bungee jumping on April Fools’ Day, the day where, statistically, work-place accidents increase by 5000%? Like I said, this thing is iron-clad - anyone who starts messing about will get a stern talking to.

More importantly, April Fools’ Day is actually on a Sunday this year. You can safely dodge any sort of bungee-jumping related skulduggery by simply going the week afterwards, when your actual day-off happens. Also, that contract thing I told you about is made up. So everything worked out for the best.

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